T.U.LI.P. for the Pretend Calvinist.
Published on Facebook, November
10, 2010
By Bud Powell
Beginning
Caveat: The following is TULIP for the Pretended
Calvinist: those who have read books about books about Calvin, or have
heard sermons from those who have read books about books, etc. It is
strictly tongue in cheek and is not intended to offend anyone. It is
something that I maybe dreamed in a dream and never gleaned it from FB posts or
such. I did not get this material in introspection of my own soul or from
the dissection of the soul of anyone else. It strictly came to me by
desperation from the Imp of the Perverse, I suppose. I do not take any
responsibility for its content, or for any offense that it may give to
somebody's conscience. It is the kind of
thing that is best shared on Facebook with other
insightful posts.
T.U.L.I.P. for Pretended Calvinists.
T. Total Depravity. I don't like people. They are scum.
I don't even like myself. I will be glad when all the rotten people are
dumped into hell. God hates them and I hate them. I hate myself
most of all. Self-loathing is the mark of real repentance. I am
really glad to be sorry. God wants me to be sorry, for He knows
that I am scum. It is humanism to like people and we shouldn't do
it. We should only like the elect [see "U" below].
U. Unconditional Election. God decided from eternity to save the people in
my church, if I had a church, but I don't because of "T" above.
If I had a church, it would be only those who are elect. I would know who
they are because they will be just like me. We talk on Facebook. God's electing choice is completely
arbitrary, a roll of the celestial dice. He has no purpose but that
people like me will go to heaven. Election is only for individuals and
does not include their children or grandchildren, who are scum,
too. My children are vipers in diapers.
L. Limited Atonement. Jesus died for the elect as defined
above. There are no benefits in his death for others. He didn't like
people either. I don' know why He saves anybody.-
I am absolutely certain of this.
I. Irresistible Grace. Missions and evangelism are humanistic, for the
Gospel is only in good faith offered to the elect. It is humanism to pray
for the lost, who deserve to be lost. If God
wants to save them, He will do so without your help. The Gospel is only
in good faith offered to the elect [those in my church, or who would be in my
church if I had a church, which I don't because people are scum--see
"T" above.] God only does the good things in Psalm 104 to
non-elect people because He is fattening them up for hell.
P. Perseverance of the Saints. I am eternally secure. I do not need to go to
church, receive the sacraments, listen to sermons by people who are scum like
me, follow holiness, or live a godly life, and certainly not submit to those in
authority who are scum like me [see "T" above]. I do not
need creeds which were written by people whoa are scum like me [see
"T" above]. I read the Bible [once in a while, maybe] and my
ideas are as good as anybody else about it. I have proof texts for all of
this. Get off my back. I am forgiven; I haven't the slightest idea
why, because I am scum [See "T" above].
Ending Caveat: The preceding is TULIP for the Pretended
Calvinist: those who have read books about books about Calvin, or have
heard sermons from those who have read books about books, etc. It is
strictly tongue in cheek and is not intended to offend anyone. It is something
that maybe I dreamed in a dream and never gleaned it from FB posts or
such. I did not get this material in introspection of my own soul or from
the dissection of the soul of anyone else. It strictly came to me by
desperation from the Imp of the Perverse, I suppose. I do not take any
responsibility for its content, or for any offense that it may give to
somebody's conscience. It is the kind of
thing that is best shared on Facebook with other
insightful posts.
If you are interested in real Calvinism, Read
Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion, especially the parts on
church and civil government, the Law, the Sacraments, etc.
